May 18, 2014

Most repeated phrases

From Hannah:

Oh my babies!

Shhhhh, it’s ok, Mama’s got you.

Do you have a dirty diapey?

Whyyyy??? WHY?

What’s wrong with her/him?!???

I love you so so much!

Mwah! Mwah!

 

From Tony:

Oh my sweet girl!

Oh my big boy!

Kisses, kisses! Mwah mwah mwah!

Come to Papa.

Not today.

 

 

Ready or Not

A lot of people will say that you can never really be ready for parenthood. And maybe that’s true, but I can’t help but disagree. At least for me, there did come a time when I felt ready enough.

I wasn’t that I didn’t feel capable of motherhood, my ability wasn’t something I really questioned. It was more the fact that I loved my life and wasn’t in any kind of hurry to change it. I know that once you have kids, everything changes. And as amazing and wonderful as those changes would be, I was still scared of letting one life go, even if it meant embracing a whole new and wonderful life. Trading something good for something better sounds like a no brainer. But I’ve always been sentimental. I mourned giving up my beat up 1995 Camry for a newer fancier model, even though good ol’ Timmy was on its last legs.

Having children was always something I wanted for myself. But I kept thinking, “Yes, I want it… but not yet”.

And while I did want it, I have to say that the identity of “Mom” wasn’t one I really yearned for myself. It took months for me to acclimate to the idea of becoming a parent. Months and months of moments where I would stop to consider it. And the idea slowly grew more and more appealing. It was gradual, until it wasn’t. Until one day I just realized, yes, I want this to happen! And once I felt that, I didn’t waver from that desire. Not once during this entire gestation process did I feel that we should have waited a second longer. What I have felt is a melancholy and a wistfulness as we draw closer and closer to the arrival of the babies. 

I am so SO excited to meet them. But it’s also been a 9 month process of letting go. Of accepting that certain things in my life are going to be so different, that some opportunities will have to pass by untouched. Lunch meals alone have been savored, I take showers and just luxuriate in them. I sit in silence and embrace the quiet moments knowing that soon, it will all be different. I won’t be accountable just for myself anymore. My heart won’t live inside my body, but will be out in the big wide world.

We’re in the last hours now. Here we go. 

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